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Picture this: a building: strong walls, door, and windows. Kind of looks like a school building, or some other institutional structure: very rigid and strong. There are stone steps, again, very strong and firm, leading up to a door. The door has a large window. On the other side of that window, locked inside this building, is a man. He's pounding on the window and door, screaming but cannot be heard from the outside. He wants out.

Now, picture this building as a body, female in shape.

Got that image in your head? If so, that's me. Female on the outside, strong, structured (for the most part). The man in the vision is who I am. I know that sounds insane to most, but it's something I can no longer deny.

Who am I? I have no clue anymore. I will tell you about me: I'm 26 (27 in November), married (to a man, who is going through his own gender/sex issues as well), and the mother of 3 wonderful children.

I grew up as a tomboy: hanging around with guys, roleplaying as a boy with a female childhood friend, and I had a horrible self-esteem. Fast forward to the present: I'm still a tomboy, I roleplay as a man when having sex with my husband, I write gay erotica, I look at a man or woman with the eyes and mind of a man, and my self-esteem is still in the doghouse.

I don't honestly know who or what I am, but maybe by writing in this journal and seeking therapy when money permits, I'll eventually figure it out.

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